There are 6 things in this life that a man is intrinsically and inescapably drawn towards. 6 things (besides sex) that pull like a black hole all matter, space, and reason towards them. They are (in ascending order of potency):
6) Movies that promise they'll make you feel the same way you felt when you watched Top Gun for the first time.
(sub-list of the ways Top Gun made you feel the first time you saw it):
i) inspired to join a noble cause just so you could be the hot, chauvinistic, male-whore class clown.
ii) willing to follow Kenny Loggins into the nether-reaches of the danger zone
iii) comfortable enough with your own sexuality to play volleyball in just jeans
iv) emotionally sensitive enough to quiet your breathing at Goose's passing
v) 2 words: bad. ass.
vi) just go ahead and buzz that f-ing tower, ghost rider.
5) Excitebike, Tecmo Bowl, and up up down down left right left right b a b a select start.
4) Girls that you feel you'd be doing a favor by dating and yet mysteriously still aren't attracted to you
3) Nudity. Public mass non-sexual nudity. On a beach? Sure. In a hotel lobby? You bet. Outside your MTC dorms? Why not. For the next 10 days in Kauai? You better believe it, sucka.
2) Peeing outside. (Which I hear, despite being man's best friend, is woman's worst enemy.)
1) Growing a mustache. (Also an enemy to many a woman.) As Dickens said: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, and we had a mustache through it all." It doesn't matter what state of life you're presently in, I can guarantee that somewhere deep inside of you there's a little voice saying, "Go ahead and grow that little lip eyebrow. No one's going to get hurt. Don't listen to those detractors trying to tell you that it means you've given up. On the contrary, my brave little pervert. Mustache...means...VICTORY!"
