SakPants

NOTICE!

This site is permanently moving (temporarily) to garredlentz.blogspot.com in order to conserve both bandwidth and brainpower.

Ok, Van Halen

Please label the following:

a) the rock star
b) the curious elbow
c) the defiant one
d) starved for attention
e) japanimation (hint: not asian)
f) in need of a shave

Lady Liberty

You deserve it, America.

The Stefasaurus

"Do you have a picture of her?"

"I sure do."

"Wow! That's her? What's she doing?"

"Winning."

"Huh. How do feel when you see that?"

"........Proud. Damn proud." (wiping away tears)

Memoirs of a Mustachio

There are 6 things in this life that a man is intrinsically and inescapably drawn towards. 6 things (besides sex) that pull like a black hole all matter, space, and reason towards them. They are (in ascending order of potency):

   6) Movies that promise they'll make you feel the same way you felt when you watched Top Gun for the first time.

(sub-list of the ways Top Gun made you feel the first time you saw it):

i) inspired to join a noble cause just so you could be the hot, chauvinistic, male-whore class clown.
ii) willing to follow Kenny Loggins into the nether-reaches of the danger zone
iii) comfortable enough with your own sexuality to play volleyball in just jeans
iv) emotionally sensitive enough to quiet your breathing at Goose's passing
v) 2 words: bad. ass.
vi) just go ahead and buzz that f-ing tower, ghost rider.

   5) Excitebike, Tecmo Bowl, and up up down down left right left right b a b a select start.

   4) Girls that you feel you'd be doing a favor by dating and yet mysteriously still aren't attracted to you

   3) Nudity. Public mass non-sexual nudity. On a beach? Sure. In a hotel lobby? You bet. Outside your MTC dorms? Why not. For the next 10 days in Kauai? You better believe it, sucka. 

   2) Peeing outside. (Which I hear, despite being man's best friend, is woman's worst enemy.)

   1) Growing a mustache. (Also an enemy to many a woman.) As Dickens said: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, and we had a mustache through it all." It doesn't matter what state of life you're presently in, I can guarantee that somewhere deep inside of you there's a little voice saying, "Go ahead and grow that little lip eyebrow. No one's going to get hurt. Don't listen to those detractors trying to tell you that it means you've given up. On the contrary, my brave little pervert. Mustache...means...VICTORY!" 

Where's Waldo?

"Dude, don't wear that stupid hat."

"Why not?"

"Because you're going to look like one of those crazy Japanese tourists."

"Japanese tourists don't wear stupid hats."

"Sure. And they don't carry around big gaudy cameras, either."

"You guys are idiots. Completely invalidated stereotypes."

Photogenic?

"The girls, the girls they love me..."

Come in, come in...

Don't worry. You're in the right place. We've just done a little rearranging around here. A little overhaulin' because we're haulin' A into the future. No more sitemeter to catch stalkers. No more ugly layout to frighten away new visitors (ok, so the layout's only marginally better). No more crying babies. No more world hunger. No more gout. What we have here is a blog for the 22nd century, plopped into the lap of the 21st. Much like string theory, but even more difficult to understand.

What if you peaked at 3?

Life...at 3 years old. Tuxedos, flashing lights, beautiful women (my mom), limousines, pumpkin-pie haircuts. What if your entire life was a denouement? If the only thing you had to live for was another day slightly less remarkable than the last? Welcome to "This Old Life." I'm your host, Garred Lentz.

I'm Ready

It's time to unhitch the old baggage wagon and let these ponies run. I think I'm ready to date again. Hide the silverware and can-openers.

3Form Chronicles (episode 1)

"It's going to seem kind of nerdy."

"Oh I don't think so at all. It will be cute."

"Doesn't it seem like something you'd do in 5th grade?"

"Do you really care what other people think?"

"Look, if you can handle it, I can handle it."

"Deal?"

"Deal. Matching outfits it is."

President Hinckley

I loved President Hinckley and today was a hard day for me. I miss him like I knew him. And I'm happy he is with his love again.

Oh those Peking Acrobats

LITTLE CHINESE PEOPLE UP TO THEIR OLD ANTICS IN 8 DAYS FROM NOW! MY SOUL IS NIGH UNTO BURSTING.

New Improved Polls! (now no longer just for Polocks)

The Polls are coming! The Polls are coming! Just don't tell the Germans. Please take a moment and respond to the poll on the right. My life depends on it.

I'm Still in Love with This Woman

Oh Cyndi...even after all these years...

A Poem for the Heart

Ooh baby do you know what that's worth?
Ooh heaven is a place on earth.
They say in heaven, love comes first...
We'll make heaven a place on earth
We'll make heaven a place on earth
We'll make heaven a place on earth.

What quaint surprises might await '08

Jentry

I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as a tree

A Terribly Frightful Halloween

Blogging is for Homos

Like the title of this post suggests, blogging is for homos.

Sorry Dave

I have nothing new to report. All of my time is being dedicated to finding the cure for work.

Innocence in Austin

Who would have thought? Who can honestly say that they expected this sudden and drastic change in heart? And to think that it happened right here, right in the capitol and soul of fiery Texas. After desecrating sacred Mayan ruins in Mexico, humiliating Christian-based basketball squads over international waters, and nearly getting kicked out of the entire city of San Antonio, six young men (Garred, Richard, Jon B., Jon R., Sammy, and Jentry) finally came to Jesus. Citizens of Texas...sleep well tonight. And forever.

Doo Dah Doo Doo

Think about your dad.

220...221. Whatever it takes

This video is funny because of the last 2 seconds.

Charlotte's Favorite Video

Click and watch...if you dare.

No One Will Believe We Don't Drink

There's no way at least half of these dudes aren't drunk off their pink arses. (Especially Dave, Garred, Jon, Paul, and Scotty.)

This Man... in 6 Days

For all of you that don't get to spend a week on a boat with this man... I'm sorry.

Ode to Spring

Ode to Spring

Ere the summer sun doth glare
A golden hue doth light the air
To signal weather calm and fair
The boys are out to play.

Dave is light and country fair
Mark a man with dashing dare
Jentry long without a care
A handsome trio gay.

Now the sun descends its stair
It's warming rays no more to share
The sky, the moon is soon to tear
The curtains of this day.

Good night, Dave.
Good night, Mark.
Good night, Jentry.
Good night, Spring.

Sherpa Shame

Here is a rare photograph of the true work that goes on behind the scenes on Everest's summit. Keep smiling, white people. The first will be the last and the last will be the first.

Such a Disappointment

Cho Seung-hui

This guy is unequivocally out of the family. As spokesman of the Asian Empire, I take all asianness out of him. So let it be written, so let it be done.

Glad You Were Born

Dave,

On this most special of days for all of us, we wish you all the best in your world travels, pursuit of dreams, pistol whippings, and healing from the clap. We love you. You truly are shat-tastic.

Sincerely,

Garred, Ellie, and the Asian continent

Hey Baby, What's Your Sign?

Ode to This Guy

Blue suit, 80's hair.
Gold chains, Sexy glare.
Michael Jackson?, Don't you dare.
Purple axe, Medium rare.
Satin smooth, makes you stare.
Colts v. Bears, I don't care.
Thrown on stage, my underwear.
Will you sing at our fireside?

Punished It

Extreme Unction...punished it. Just a word for those in the know.

A Blast from the Past

'Twas the season to be jolly. Unless you were a helpless Asian passed out after a little too much Christmas cheer. Leave it up to Jentry "H Bomb" Miskin to keep the hits rolling. My poor daughter could only stand by and watch as her father was run over by a reindeer.

This picture deserves to be on my blog.

A Poem for Valentines

What you gonna do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.
My hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps. (Check it out)

A Poem

Anna Nicole Smith died this week
And I fell for a girl that was in love with
Another man.
Bitchin'.

Music of the Week - "We Three Kings" by the Roches

"Flat." That's the way my brother McGarren describes this trio of sisters from New Jersey. "It's a style," I say, but he's not convinced. So I leave it up to you to decide. Combining "church choir music, traditional Irish folk, rock, country, and pop," (as described on their own website), these sisters cook up unpredictably beautiful harmonies out of traditional Christmas fare. Like most Christmas collections, "We Three Kings" is an eclectic grouping of both the reverent and the rowdy. "Star of Wonder" certainly is a wonder of yearning and serenity, while "Frosty the Snowman" does nothing to hide the fact that New Jersey is alive, well, and in your face. This CD (or better yet LP if you can find it) may take some getting used to, but once you're hooked, you're hooked. Give it two good listens before making any snap judgments.

Yes, McGarren, these sisters are flat like Keira Knightley, and just as intoxicating.

Music of the Week

Sexy sexy sexy. And a mite mysterious. Emiliana Torrini's second album, Fisherman's Woman, offers a pleasant leap from the pseudo-Bjorkness of her debut sampling Love in the Time of Science. While "Sunny Road" stands the best chance of catching air time with its sweetly strong melody and Emiliana's impish voice, "Today Has Been Ok" captures the soul of the entire album in what I like to call the sugary female answer to The Helio Sequence's "Blood Bleeds." The whole set, laid over acoustic guitars and light percussion, is innocently seductive, if such a thing exists. Fisherman beware: your woman is about to get a lot of play.

En Memorium

In memory of our little blogger, we post his favorite picture. This picture will remain on afewdayslater until the sun turns black and the heavens fall on us all. Rest in peace.

RIP October 28, 1979 to November 28. 2006

Afewdayslater regrets to inform all of its readers that our little blogger took his life ealier today. Just before jumping to his death, our little blogger muttered the words "It's all downhill from sheep girl. I have nothing left to give." We, the editors and staff of afewdayslater, should have recognized the huge toll that "Magnum Opus" took out on our little blogger. We take full responsibility for his demise and hope that our efforts to carry on his legacy through afewdayslater will be a memorial to his life and creativity.

have a very kurdish christmas

This post is for Charlotte. There was an article in the SL Tribune that seriously made me lose bowel control (in the bad way). But being the eternally sunshiny person that I am, I found the silver lining to the story: the subdivision in this article makes BYU seem not so bad after all.

Magnum Opus

This is it, folks. The pinnacle of all things blog-worthy. Many of you have probably noticed that I haven't written anything for over a month. I'm sorry to those of you who desperately check this site everyday hoping for just a morsel of lifeblood. (You know who you are.) But don't think that this short sabbatical was time wasted. No. On the contrary, the last month of my life has been exclusively dedicated to creating the Single Greatest Blog Entry in the history of spacetime, including all future entries that may follow. I haven't slept for 744 hours. I have been searching for the right words to say, the right message to convey. Everything seemed trivial and unoriginal. And then, as if by some sheeply miracle, I remembered an obscure picture that I linked to in my September 26th post entitled "When things aren't going your way...." There she was, my magnum opus, tucked away in obscurity. People, I hope you have been wiser than I have been. I hope you recognized the genius and endless intrigue of this photo long before I did.

What is going on here? We need to take a minute and analyze all the information that we're getting in this deceptively simple snapshot. Yes, there's a girl in a cottonball sheep costume. But there's so much more. Where in the hell is she? The answer is not so simple. Take for example the bed on the right. Is she in a bedroom? If so, who's? Look closer. Why is there a chalkboard on the wall? And what is that enigmatic planar equation? Does it tell us where Heaven is? Does it foretell the end of the world? Now look at the wall on which the chalkboard rests. Sound-proofing tiles. Where are we? The list goes on. The shrine-like poster, the ethnic woven backpack purse on the chair, the discarded jeans, the two pair of boots, the lamp pointing in the wrong direction, the mechanical contraption in the box, and so on and so forth. People, this is it. This is both the enlightenment and the darkness. The Ying and the Yang. The hip and the hop. There will be posts in the future, just as there have been posts in the past. But none will eclipse what we have experienced here today.